Just Keep Walking

It hasn't been very long since I have been walking in these boots. Lost my husband last April. (I lost my mother before that.) Moved from Utah to Idaho last June, leaving behind and donating half of my Etsy shop's finds, the state I loved. Mostly, I moved away from people I loved. Officially lost the house last month and it hit me like a ton of bricks. Mind you, as I have stated before, I am not materialistic. Things can be replaced. Memories are always carried inside of us. None of it really matters yet it does because I am human and humans are not always rational or devoid of attachment to things.

I am walking a path unfamiliar and scary. Just when I think I know where I am going something new creeps in and throws me in another direction. I'm rather dizzy now. I have been having a lot more sad days lately, missing my husband more than ever. Today marks our 17 year anniversary of meeting for the very first time. Our own path has been bumpy. Really bumpy but those bumps forced us to reevaluate our direction together. And it has made all the difference. From the moment I met my sweetheart, I have always known he is apart of me. Almost like finding something you lost. Now I feel lost half of the time, not because I am unable to be alone but because it is simply a fact of living without half of my heart and soul. Cheesy as it sounds.

I long for the day he comes home. I long to remember what he smells like. What he feels like. I can't wait to fall asleep next to him and wake up to his snoring. The little things that used to bother me are so small now. While I have lost so much, not more than some people....not even close to what some have lost.....but it feels like the end of our world sometimes - I have also gained. It feels like the beginning of new worlds. Ones we can re-write. There has been a stripping down and simplifying. A realness factor I never saw before. For every loss we have gains. For every tear, something to praise.

I have a list forever long of everything I am grateful for. His children. My family and friends. His family. His heart = ours.

Life is hard. Really hard. I still find myself searching for home. But I know it isn't a place or a thing. It is a state of mind. It is wherever my kids are. It is housed inside of my husband, even though I am not there physically. It is housed inside of my heart, where he resides.

I have felt an invisible hand resting on my shoulders and heard a silent voice deep inside of my heart from the very beginning. "It is going to be a long and hard journey. One filled full of tears, fears, frustrations and joys. BUT you are never alone, child. NEVER alone." Though I feel alone, in ways, I am never alone. I am finding my way no matter how lost I feel. I am finding my footing in these boots. And I am okay, even though I trip a lot. I am okay.

It has taken us 17 years to truly understand what love is. There has been a reawakening within us both. I walk now, mindfully of what I have. I also see everyday smallness as largeness. A simple choice in clothing, in what to make for breakfast, a walk outside, the sun or wind or snow or rain on my skin, a moment of laughter and tears with our kids, a hug from all of them, a warm shower alone at my own pace with my own handmade soap, a soft bed to sleep in (though alone), a book, silence, turning the lights out when it feels right, hearing about our boy's days, helping with homework, the bumps of family dynamics. My husband sits in a backless chair, with nothing to really wrap his mind around or arms to embrace him in his aloneness. Such a brilliant mind he houses. Such a brilliant soul. He is wise. Wiser than when we met. Time is ticking every so slowly and the gravity of our situation always chips at his mood - our mood. BUT he finds the sunshine on such a dismal day. He is always reaching for us. We are what keeps him going as he is what keeps us going. Our paths are currently separated by distance and walls and barbwire and coldness but our hearts beat in unison. And for that, I am beyond grateful.

I

Him

Them

Us

We

Me

You

Can

Be

Forever

Unending

One Day

The End

The Beginning

Amen

When In Doubt

Nuff said. :)

Wings of Love

It has been five years (nearly six) since Pip entered our lives. He was newly hatched, falling from oh-so-very far, where my husband used to work. He waited for the mother to get him but he was so tiny and too far down, we guess. Joel watched, though. Hoping she would somehow save her baby. Most of the men there kept saying, "squish it. put it out of its misery." My husband is very gentle. He notices the very small creatures. He has a heart the size of infinity. For him, "squishing" the helpless life was not an option. What was was scooping him up and bringing him home to at least die in the hands of love, warm and safe. When I saw Pip, he didn't have any feathers. He was almost lifeless.

After contemplating what to feed him, we both decided to try soaking some goji berries, cutting them and with tweezers, pushing the small chunks down for him. That way he got water and nutrition. I ended up becoming his mommy, feeding him around the clock. Fearful, one feeding he wouldn't be with us. But after each feeding, every few hours, for weeks, he started to grow. He did. He grew and grew. Finally able to feed himself.

We researched places to take him but bird sanctuaries consider sparrows a pest. They didn't want him. By the time he could fly, he didn't want to leave. He clung to me. What to do? I don't believe in keeping wild animals as pets. I really don't. Cages are not natural or kind - except for decoration purposes. So, Pip joined our family. Sleeping in his cage but free to come out and do his dances and burry himself into my chest, pockets and hair.

Alas, birds don't live forever, I am told. Pip has slowly been losing his eyesight and has become frail and more clingy to me. I am back to feeding him goji berries by hand (along with his other fruits, seeds, nuts, grains, breads and such). I can't say how long our little family member will live. But I do know he has graced our lives with more than I could have ever imagined in the beginning.

Pip reminds me of my husband, a man so resilient and gentle all the same. My heart of hearts knows that by the time Jody makes it back to us, from prison, Pip will no longer be here to do his puffy dance or sing him his songs (he sure does love Regina Spektor!) or speak blender, vacuum, garage disposal (because when they go on he is in heaven, saying something so unique, unlike any sparrow I have heard). It makes me sad. In a deep way, facing that he won't always be around. Life is like the fragile sparrow, resilient and beautiful. We never know when we will fall out of our nest and require a gentle hand. We never know when our time is up. BUT we can all do our best to be kind and loving, noticing even the smallest of us on this planet.

I love Pip. I love who and what he is. How he has loved me and our family and for what he has taught us. Wings of love = they are the only way any of us will ever fly free.

Quotes

You have to walk carefully in the beginning of love; the running across fields into your lover's arms can only come later when you're sure they won't laugh if you trip. ~Jonathan Carroll, "Outside the Dog Museum"

“Be daring, be different, be impractical, be anything that will assert integrity of purpose and imaginative vision against the play-it-safers, the creatures of the commonplace, the slaves of the ordinary.” ~Cecil Beaton

“Growth itself contains the germ of happiness.” ~ Pearl S. Buck

“I believe that imagination is stronger than knowledge - myth is more potent than history - dreams are more powerful than facts - hope always triumphs over experience - laughter is the cure for grief - love is stronger than death”. ~Robert Fulghum

“Happiness always looks small while you hold it in your hands, but let it go, and you learn at once how big and precious it is.” ~Maxim Gorky

Coming to My Shop

Coming to my Etsy shop:

Books!

Soap!

Made by Moi.

Lotus bowls.

Toyo figures ready for a kiss.

A rusty birdcage.

Sweet Mid Century Painting

Really Not Real but Really Real All the Same

A hundred hearts would be too few

To carry all my love for you.

~Author Unknown

...

The greatest value of an object is that which we give it. Things are not valuable, memories and the love behind them are. Material objects can't carry memories, our minds do that for us. Therefore, when it comes down to it things are just things. They will never mean more than human beings. Yes, things are things. Not experiences. Not anything of value. With that said, while I would never place any amount of gold or fine gemstones or money over a person, I find what I have holds bits and pieces of my stories. That is why I really do love vintage items - they seem to tell story after story. Well, so think I.

And I have a little story behind my wedding ring. If you look at it up close, you can tell it is not of the greatest quality. $4 is what we payed. We were on our way, as a family, to visit my father, step-mother and sister last March. We drove from Utah to California. Stopping in a thrift store close to my father's house, we found my little ring. Since having my thyroid removed my body has exploded. My wedding ring from 15/16 years ago doesn't fit. Not even close. I had been going without one and being that we were merely days away from our 16th wedding anniversary last March (18th) when I tried the little $4 gem on, and it FIT perfectly, we knew it was THE ring. Dollar amount didn't tell its value. What did was the memories of our very first family trip in forever. 16 years in the making.

The next month, we said good-bye to Daddy and my Honey.

So this ring it is just a ring. Not real. Not important. A thing. But this thing reminds me of love. It reminds me of holding my sweet husband's hand. Of touching his back before he could fall asleep. Of walks. Of talks. Of being together, as a never ending circle. Sure, I would be reminded of such memories and thoughts and feelings without it but wearing it gives me tangible joy for now. I can sit and play with it, twirl it around - place it in the sun as little rainbows appear. This ring is not the actual memory but it is a story. A story of good memories. Of my soul mate and the look in his eyes when we realized it fit. He asked me to marry him all over again. And I said YES.

16 years.

Good times.

Bad times.

Sorrow.

Joy.

Crying.

Laughing.

Falling.

Forgiving.

Living.

Learning.

Loving.

o

I wonder who wore this little ring. If they too had good memories connected. That is really another wonderful part of vintage. It is more than a mass produced item. It comes with a past but it also has room for your own present and future stories.

255

Results are in, my blood cholesterol came back a whopping 255. That is the highest it has ever been. Granted, it runs in my family. Still, I know better. So does my body. Of course I need to start exercising again. I say again because I stopped probably when I needed it the most.

While it doesn't seem that healthy, I am trying to use more nut milks and cut most dairy out of my diet. I will enjoy hard stinky cheese still, in moderation, but the road I am on isn't one I am traveling alone. I have my little (big) followers depending on me to be around for a very long time. Time to really start trying to take care of myself. Seems far too easy to forget that one. Crazy as it sounds.

So, I was craving hot chocolate. It is that kind of weather, after all. Instead of reaching for something from a can, I prepared (don't ask me the measurements yet. I never measure, I eyeball):

Raw cashews [What are the benefits of raw cashews?]

Water

Honey [Honey and Cinnamon Benefits]

Vanilla

Cinnamon [10 Health Benefits of Cinnamon]

Cocoa (I don't own raw - which is better by a bagillion) [Benefits of Cocoa Powder]

A dash of sea salt [Sea Salt benefits]

I placed it all in my beat up Vitamix and blended until Warm - NOT hot because excess heat will kill anything good inside. It was our version of hot chocolate. It even tastes great the next day cold.

If you wanted, you could also add the beloved Maca Root.

Of course, vintage mugs make it taste better. :-)