changing mood

love builds up the broken wall

and straightens the crooked path.

love keeps the stars in the firmament

and imposes rhythm on the ocean tides

each of us created of it

and i suspect

each of us was created for it.

~Maya Angelou

Heavy hearts, like heavy clouds in the sky, are best relieved by the letting of a little water. ~Antoine Rivarol

Within all of us is a varying amount of space lint and star dust, the residue from our creation. Most are too busy to notice it, and it is stronger in some than others. It is strongest in those of us who fly and is responsible for an unconscious, subtle desire to slip into some wings and try for the elusive boundaries of our origin.

~K.O. Eckland, "Footprints On Clouds"

*****

My mood shifts, as the clouds do on a windy day. They shift like the currents running steady in the oceans. Today, my heart feels heavier. My arms ache to hold my sweetheart. Ache. It feels like forever since we were a WE physically in each other's presence. I look at my boys and sob. I see my husband in them. I see what he cannot see in them, their changes. I held Gabe today. I held him for two. I can't imagine not being able to hug any of my boys. Their fits of brotherly bickering is almost music to my ears now. Funny how perception really is a huge part of our existence. Bothersome becomes heartwarming. Things that had meaning can sometime reveal themselves as unimportant. I would give up everything I own, my beloved cameras even, if I could trade it all for my husband's return. To lose every material item, even a roof over our heads for the return of Jody no longer takes even a second to process. There is no comparison. None.

I feel blessed and yet cursed. You cannot see the bars I am trapped behind. Neither can I. But they are there, daily, no matter how hard I try to escape them. I have learned a lesson I never thought I would learn, one about prison, prisons, prisoners and prison wives. None of which crossed my mind before this, I am sorry to say. I lived a life where I didn't have to. I lived a life I thought I would never have to. But never sometimes becomes reality. The pain I feel is bearable by the fact that I am giving birth to lessons and growth. My fuzzy peace only comes from the knowledge that all pain connected to giving birth will one day give birth to something greater. A life force of love. Today, it has felt as if this pain and sorrow will never end. But I know better. I am grateful for days where hope floats right on past me because I suppose hope wouldn't be as sweet if I didn't have these days of bitter tears.

I miss my husband. I have cried behind closed doors more than a dozen times today, away from our boys. Like a little child hiding their tears. Five years more of this. It feels as if it has already been five years.

Deep breath.

Our oldest asked me why my own mother would do this, like this. I didn't have an answer. Not a clue. To have witnessed such bitterness and out right lies from the person who gave to me is something I cannot fully explain how deeply the knife traveled. Saying I don't know is all we can say sometimes.

My life, with its twists and turns, has taught me one thing, that no matter how low I get I keep getting back up. I cry. I bitch. I moan. I hide under covers and sob. I feel like giving up but whatever it is inside of me that pulls me upward does it without any explanation.

So, I say to anyone reading this, reach out and show your love to everyone around you while you can. Do it for the simple fact that tomorrow is uncertain. Enjoy the simple pleasures in life. Look softly at yourself. Wrap a kind word into your present moment. Live. Laugh. Love. Be.

Oh. And I love YOU.