It hasn't been very long since I have been walking in these boots. Lost my husband last April. (I lost my mother before that.) Moved from Utah to Idaho last June, leaving behind and donating half of my Etsy shop's finds, the state I loved. Mostly, I moved away from people I loved. Officially lost the house last month and it hit me like a ton of bricks. Mind you, as I have stated before, I am not materialistic. Things can be replaced. Memories are always carried inside of us. None of it really matters yet it does because I am human and humans are not always rational or devoid of attachment to things.
I am walking a path unfamiliar and scary. Just when I think I know where I am going something new creeps in and throws me in another direction. I'm rather dizzy now. I have been having a lot more sad days lately, missing my husband more than ever. Today marks our 17 year anniversary of meeting for the very first time. Our own path has been bumpy. Really bumpy but those bumps forced us to reevaluate our direction together. And it has made all the difference. From the moment I met my sweetheart, I have always known he is apart of me. Almost like finding something you lost. Now I feel lost half of the time, not because I am unable to be alone but because it is simply a fact of living without half of my heart and soul. Cheesy as it sounds.
I long for the day he comes home. I long to remember what he smells like. What he feels like. I can't wait to fall asleep next to him and wake up to his snoring. The little things that used to bother me are so small now. While I have lost so much, not more than some people....not even close to what some have lost.....but it feels like the end of our world sometimes - I have also gained. It feels like the beginning of new worlds. Ones we can re-write. There has been a stripping down and simplifying. A realness factor I never saw before. For every loss we have gains. For every tear, something to praise.
I have a list forever long of everything I am grateful for. His children. My family and friends. His family. His heart = ours.
Life is hard. Really hard. I still find myself searching for home. But I know it isn't a place or a thing. It is a state of mind. It is wherever my kids are. It is housed inside of my husband, even though I am not there physically. It is housed inside of my heart, where he resides.
I have felt an invisible hand resting on my shoulders and heard a silent voice deep inside of my heart from the very beginning. "It is going to be a long and hard journey. One filled full of tears, fears, frustrations and joys. BUT you are never alone, child. NEVER alone." Though I feel alone, in ways, I am never alone. I am finding my way no matter how lost I feel. I am finding my footing in these boots. And I am okay, even though I trip a lot. I am okay.
It has taken us 17 years to truly understand what love is. There has been a reawakening within us both. I walk now, mindfully of what I have. I also see everyday smallness as largeness. A simple choice in clothing, in what to make for breakfast, a walk outside, the sun or wind or snow or rain on my skin, a moment of laughter and tears with our kids, a hug from all of them, a warm shower alone at my own pace with my own handmade soap, a soft bed to sleep in (though alone), a book, silence, turning the lights out when it feels right, hearing about our boy's days, helping with homework, the bumps of family dynamics. My husband sits in a backless chair, with nothing to really wrap his mind around or arms to embrace him in his aloneness. Such a brilliant mind he houses. Such a brilliant soul. He is wise. Wiser than when we met. Time is ticking every so slowly and the gravity of our situation always chips at his mood - our mood. BUT he finds the sunshine on such a dismal day. He is always reaching for us. We are what keeps him going as he is what keeps us going. Our paths are currently separated by distance and walls and barbwire and coldness but our hearts beat in unison. And for that, I am beyond grateful.
I
Him
Them
Us
We
Me
You
Can
Be
Forever
Unending
One Day
The End
The Beginning
Amen
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